Lost in Fantasy: Understanding Limerence, Love Addiction, and Maladaptive Daydreaming

Introduction

At first glance, infatuation or romantic daydreaming might seem harmless—even sweet. But for some, these patterns become obsessive, compulsive, and emotionally devastating. Terms like limerence, love addiction, and maladaptive daydreaming describe cycles of fantasy and longing that often feel euphoric in the beginning but lead to emotional chaos, shame, and deep disconnection from the self and others.

In trauma-informed therapy, especially within the SCO (Sexual and Complex Trauma-Oriented) lens, these patterns are often rooted in early attachment wounds, emotional neglect, and unhealed developmental trauma. Understanding how these dynamics show up can help individuals begin to separate real intimacy from fantasy-driven escape.

What Is Limerence?

Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence refers to an intense, involuntary emotional state of obsession and idealization toward another person. It’s often mistaken for love but is rooted in longing and fantasy rather than mutual connection.

“Limerence is not about who the other person actually is, but who they represent to you.”
— Dorothy Tennov, 1979, “Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love”

Core Signs of Limerence:

• Intrusive, obsessive thoughts about a “love object”

• Fantasies of reciprocation and future connection

• Emotional dependency and mood swings based on perceived attention

• Fear of rejection or abandonment

• Over-identification with imagined intimacy

Limerence often mirrors the biochemical highs of addiction (dopamine, oxytocin, adrenaline), and many trauma survivors unconsciously pursue this high to regulate painful emotions or unmet attachment needs.

Love Addiction: When Fantasy Becomes a Drug

Love addiction is a pattern of compulsively seeking emotional connection, validation, or romantic intensity, often to escape feelings of unworthiness, emptiness, or abandonment. It overlaps with codependency, sex addiction, and trauma bonding, and can lead to cycles of obsession, withdrawal, and relapse—similar to substance use.

According to Pia Mellody, a pioneer in love addiction and codependency treatment at The Meadows, love addiction is rooted in:

• Childhood relational trauma

• Enmeshment or neglect

• Insecure attachment (anxious or disorganized)

• Impaired boundaries and reality testing

“Love addicts use relationships as a way to regulate their inner world, often recreating the very dynamics that hurt them as children.”
— Pia Mellody, “Facing Love Addiction”

Patterns of Love Addiction Include:

• Intense fear of abandonment

• Tolerating emotional abuse or neglect to avoid being alone

• Mistaking intensity for intimacy

• Fantasizing about ideal partners who will “rescue” them

• Losing self-identity in romantic pursuits

Maladaptive Daydreaming: The Inner World as Escape

Coined by Dr. Eli Somer in 2002, maladaptive daydreaming is a dissociative behavior pattern in which individuals retreat into elaborate, emotionally stimulating fantasy worlds for hours at a time. While not yet formally listed in the DSM, it is gaining clinical recognition as a form of emotional avoidance and dissociation.

Features of Maladaptive Daydreaming:

• Vivid, detailed internal storylines (often romantic or heroic)

• Difficulty controlling or stopping daydreaming

• Interference with work, relationships, or daily functioning

• High emotional attachment to fantasy characters or scenarios

• Often co-occurs with trauma, ADHD, and attachment disorders

“Maladaptive daydreaming can function as a psychological defense that offers the illusion of connection and meaning while reinforcing disconnection from real life.”
— Somer, 2002; Soffer-Dudek, 2018

Trauma and Fantasy: The Missing Link

From an SCO perspective, all three patterns—limerence, love addiction, and maladaptive daydreaming—are fantasy-based coping mechanisms that arise from unresolved trauma. They function similarly to substance use or compulsive behaviors, providing temporary relief from emotional pain, while reinforcing avoidance, disconnection, and shame.

As Patrick Carnes writes in Out of the Shadows, fantasy is often the “core engine” behind sex and love addiction:

“Fantasy is the primary chemical—everything else serves it. Acting out is a way to extend and intensify the fantasy.”
— Patrick Carnes, 2001

Healing in Recovery: Moving from Fantasy to Connection

Healing from these patterns isn’t about suppressing the need for love or imagination—it’s about grounding those needs in reality, boundaries, and secure relationships.

Therapeutic approaches that help include:

• EMDR and Somatic Experiencing to resolve attachment trauma and dissociation

• Internal Family Systems (IFS) to explore protective parts involved in fantasy and longing

• Pia Mellody’s Love Addiction Model to address enmeshment, avoidance, and self-worth

• The 30 Task Model (Carnes) for addiction recovery and relational integrity

• Mindfulness and grounding to increase emotional regulation and present-moment safety

Final Thoughts

Limerence, love addiction, and maladaptive daydreaming are more than quirks or personality flaws—they’re trauma-informed strategies the nervous system uses to survive pain, loss, and unmet needs. In recovery, we learn that real intimacy doesn’t require obsession, perfection, or fantasy. It requires presence, boundaries, and the courage to stay with what’s real.

References

• Tennov, D. (1979). Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. Scarborough House.

• Mellody, P. (1992). Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love. HarperOne.

• Carnes, P. (2001). Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Hazelden.

• Somer, E. (2002). Maladaptive Daydreaming: A qualitative inquiry. Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 32(2), 197–212.

• Soffer-Dudek, N. (2018). Is maladaptive daydreaming a dissociative disorder? Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 19(3), 302–318.

• Carnes, P. (2012). Recovery Zone: Making Changes That Last. Hazelden.