Healing Grief Through Continued Bonds: How We Stay Connected After Loss

When someone we love dies, we’re often told that healing means “moving on.” Traditional models of grief have long emphasized detachment and closure as signs of progress. But for many people, grief doesn’t follow a linear path—and love doesn’t end when life does.

Continued Bonds Theory offers a different, more compassionate framework for understanding grief. Rather than focusing on letting go, it honors the idea that maintaining a connection to the deceased can be a healthy and essential part of the healing process.

What Is Continued Bonds Theory?

Continued Bonds Theory emerged in the 1990s as a response to older grief models that viewed detachment as necessary for resolution. Introduced by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman in their groundbreaking book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief (1996), this theory posits that the bond between the bereaved and the deceased can evolve over time—rather than disappear.

“Rather than severing ties with the deceased, mourners may redefine the relationship and integrate the loss into their ongoing lives.” – Klass et al., 1996

This shift in perspective opened the door to healthier, more personalized expressions of grief.

Why Continued Bonds Help People Heal

For many grieving individuals, the idea of staying connected to a lost loved one brings comfort, meaning, and a sense of emotional safety. Continued Bonds Theory acknowledges that grief is not a problem to be fixed—but a natural response to love and loss.

Maintaining a bond can:

• Reduce feelings of isolation and abandonment

• Help integrate loss into the ongoing narrative of life

• Support emotional regulation and resilience

• Provide a framework for ritual, memory, and meaning-making

Research also supports this approach. A study by Field and Friedrichs (2004) found that maintaining a symbolic connection with a loved one after death was associated with lower levels of complicated grief and higher emotional adjustment.

Examples of Continued Bonds in Grief Work

Continued bonds can take many forms, both symbolic and practical. Some common expressions include:

• Talking to the deceased or writing them letters

• Visiting gravesites or creating altars

• Keeping photos, voice messages, or mementos

• Carrying out meaningful rituals on birthdays or anniversaries

• Making life decisions with the deceased’s memory or values in mind

• Telling stories and sharing memories with others

In therapy, clinicians often use narrative techniques, guided imagery, or psychodrama to help clients engage these bonds in healthy, transformative ways.

What Continued Bonds Is Not

It’s important to clarify that continued bonds does not mean being stuck in grief, avoiding reality, or refusing to accept death. Instead, it means integrating loss in a way that aligns with a person’s values, culture, and emotional experience.

Continued bonds can coexist with acceptance, growth, and even joy. As therapist and author Thomas Attig (2001) writes in The Heart of Grief, “The task is not to sever bonds but to learn how to love in separation.”

How Therapists Use Continued Bonds in Grief Counseling

Grief-informed therapists may use the following approaches to support clients through the lens of continued bonds:

1. Narrative Therapy

Clients are invited to re-author their relationship with the deceased, exploring how their loved one continues to influence their lives.

2. Psychodrama and Role Dialogue

Experiential techniques such as empty-chair work or role-playing allow clients to “speak” to the deceased, express unresolved emotions, or receive symbolic comfort.

3. Ritual and Legacy Work

Therapists may guide clients in creating memorials, writing legacy letters, or engaging in spiritual or cultural rituals that preserve meaning.

4. Somatic and Mindfulness Practices

Continued bonds can also be felt in the body. Mindfulness and somatic work help clients access felt-sense connections, especially in moments of deep longing or memory.

Final Thoughts: Love Doesn’t End With Death

The bond you had with a loved one doesn’t have to be broken in order for you to heal. Continued Bonds Theory reminds us that grief is not about forgetting—it’s about transforming the relationship, not ending it.

In allowing space for connection, memory, and ritual, we honor both the person who died and the love that still remains.

Recommended Reading

• Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief

• Attig, T. (2001). The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Lasting Meaning

• Field, N. P., & Friedrichs, M. (2004). “Continuing bonds in coping with the death of a husband.” Death Studies, 28(7), 597–620