Formal Disclosure in Sex Addiction Recovery: A Trauma-Informed Guide for Betrayed Partners

What Is a Formal Disclosure?

In the wake of sexual betrayal—whether it’s infidelity, pornography addiction, or secretive sexual behavior—the partner who discovers the truth often experiences significant trauma. Symptoms can mirror PTSD: hypervigilance, emotional dysregulation, insomnia, and a deep sense of violation and loss of control (Steffens & Rennie, 2006; Schneider et al., 1998).

Formal disclosure is a structured, therapist-facilitated process where the partner with compulsive sexual behavior shares a comprehensive and truthful account of their behaviors. It’s not a confession—it’s a clinical intervention designed to restore safety, create a shared reality, and lay the groundwork for relational healing.

As Dr. Stefanie Carnes writes:

“Formal disclosure, when handled appropriately, allows the betrayed partner to regain a sense of empowerment and reality. It also creates the foundation for rebuilding trust through honesty and transparency.” (Carnes, 2010)

Why Is Disclosure Necessary?

Without full clarity, the betrayed partner may experience ongoing anxiety, obsessive rumination, and emotional instability. This is made worse by “staggard disclosure”—when new pieces of the story are revealed slowly over time. Research shows that fragmented or reactive disclosures increase trauma symptoms (Schneider et al., 1998).

Benefits of formal disclosure include:

• Restoring the betrayed partner’s agency and sense of reality

• Reducing obsessive fear and hypervigilance

• Ending secrets and deception

• Establishing a clear starting point for healing and repair

The Components of a Formal Disclosure Process

Formal disclosure involves several carefully structured elements, often overseen by Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) or therapists trained in partner-sensitive care. It unfolds in three main phases:

1. The Disclosure Letter (Written by the Addict)

The disclosure letter is a factual, timeline-based written document created with the addict’s therapist. It is read aloud in the presence of both therapists and the betrayed partner.

The letter includes:

• A clear list of boundary-breaking behaviors (e.g., pornography use, affairs, escorts, hidden online activity)

• Timeframes, frequency, and relevant contextual details

• Any risks created (e.g., STI exposure, financial betrayal)

• Acknowledgment of dishonesty, gaslighting, or manipulation

What it does not include:

• Graphic sexual details

• Comparisons to the partner

• Justifications, blame, or minimization

The goal of the disclosure letter is to provide clarity, restore dignity to the partner, and mark the end of secrecy. A well-prepared letter helps avoid future “bombshells” and establishes trust through complete and honest truth-telling (Carnes & Laaser, 2010).

2. The Impact Letter (Written by the Betrayed Partner)

The impact letter allows the betrayed partner to share how the betrayal has affected them. This includes the emotional, physical, spiritual, relational, and financial consequences of the addict’s actions.

This letter is written with the betrayed partner’s therapist and is read either during the disclosure session or in a separate, closely-timed session. It offers the partner a voice and helps the addict understand the gravity of their behaviors.

Dr. Carnes emphasizes that this step is vital in the partner’s trauma healing process:

“When the partner expresses the pain, fear, and devastation caused by betrayal, it opens a door for empathy and relational accountability.” (Carnes, 2010)

3. The Restitution Letter (Written by the Addict)

After the disclosure and impact letter, the person in recovery writes a restitution letter as a formal response. This letter is not just an apology—it is a behavioral and emotional commitment to change.

The restitution letter includes:

• Acknowledgment of specific harm done

• Expressions of remorse and empathy

• A commitment to transparency and behavioral change

• Safety and repair measures (e.g., accountability structures, sobriety plans, boundaries)

This stage is critical in shifting from disclosure into repair. As Gottman’s research has shown, repair attempts—when genuine and consistent—are essential to rebuilding trust after relational ruptures (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

What a Formal Disclosure Is Not

• It is not a spontaneous conversation or emotional outburst

• It is not a confrontation or interrogation

• It is not a substitute for long-term relational healing

Without proper preparation and therapeutic support, disclosure can easily become re-traumatizing. Research cautions against impulsive or unstructured disclosures, which correlate with heightened anxiety and poorer outcomes for both partners (Schneider et al., 1998; Steffens & Rennie, 2006).

What Happens After Disclosure?

Disclosure is not the end of the journey—it’s the beginning of a deeper healing process. What follows is equally important:

• Individual therapy for both partners to address trauma, addiction, and attachment wounds

• Couples therapy using modalities like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) or trauma-informed approaches

• Group support such as SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) or Betrayal Trauma support groups

• Creation of a relational healing plan, including safety structures, boundaries, and communication tools

Healing after betrayal is a long and layered process—but it becomes possible when truth is no longer hidden and both partners are supported with compassion and structure.

Final Thoughts

A trauma-informed, structured formal disclosure—supported by a disclosure letter, impact letter, and restitution letter—offers a pathway out of secrecy and into healing. It is not about punishment or blame. It is about creating safety, validating the partner’s trauma, and establishing a foundation for repair.

As Dr. Stefanie Carnes writes:

“Partners deserve to know the truth. And when that truth is delivered with empathy, structure, and support, it becomes the starting point for rebuilding what was broken.”

References

• Carnes, S. (2010). Mending a Shattered Heart: A Guide for Partners of Sex Addicts. Gentle Path Press.

• Carnes, S., & Laaser, M. (2010). Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts. Gentle Path Press.

• Steffens, B., & Rennie, R. (2006). The Traumatized Partner and the Disclosure Process. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 13(2–3), 247–267.

• Schneider, J. P., Irons, R. R., & Corley, M. D. (1998). Disclosure of Extramarital Affairs in Sex Addiction: The Partner’s Perspective. Journal of Sex Education and Therapy, 23(3), 180–187.

• Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown.