Appeasement and Fawning Responses: How Childhood Trauma Shapes Survival

Table of Contents

When people think about trauma responses, the most commonly recognized patterns are fight, flight, and freeze. But trauma researchers and clinicians increasingly recognize another set of responses: appeasement and fawning. These patterns often develop in childhood as adaptive strategies to survive unsafe or unpredictable environments. While they may have been protective in the past, they can create challenges in adulthood – especially in relationships, self-expression, and boundary setting.

What Are Appeasement and Fawning Responses?

Appeasement is a survival strategy where the individual attempts to reduce threat by pacifying, pleasing, or yielding to the aggressor. It is often unconscious and driven by a nervous system response aimed at survival.
Fawning, a term popularized by therapist Pete Walker (2013), refers to excessive people-pleasing, caretaking, or compliance in order to avoid conflict, rejection, or abuse. Unlike simple kindness, fawning is rooted in fear and the need to maintain safety in unsafe relationships.

These responses are increasingly studied in the context of Polyvagal Theory (Porges, 2011), which emphasizes how the autonomic nervous system adapts to threat by engaging not only fight/flight or shutdown but also submissive social strategies to ensure survival.

Childhood Trauma and the Development of Fawning

Children who grow up in environments marked by abuse, neglect, or unpredictable caregiving often learn that their safety depends on keeping caregivers happy. This may include suppressing their own needs, anticipating others’ emotions, and avoiding conflict at all costs. Over time, these strategies become hard-wired survival responses (Schore, 2001; Van der Kolk, 2014).

Research shows that early relational trauma can dysregulate the stress response system and condition children to adopt submissive strategies to minimize harm (Porges, 2011; Schore, 2019). For many, this becomes their default way of relating in adulthood.

Signs of Appeasement and Fawning in Adults

Chronic people-pleasing and difficulty saying “no”
Fear of conflict or rejection, even in safe relationships
Taking responsibility for others’ emotions
Suppressing personal needs or opinions to maintain harmony
Feeling guilt or shame when asserting boundaries
Staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships out of fear of abandonment

The Hidden Costs

While appeasement and fawning may prevent conflict in the short term, over time they can lead to:

Loss of authentic self and identity confusion
Burnout from over-giving and caretaking
Codependent relationship patterns
Vulnerability to exploitation or abuse
Anxiety, depression, and complex PTSD symptoms

Van der Kolk (2014) notes that trauma survivors often reenact patterns of submission in adulthood, leaving them trapped in cycles of disempowerment until these unconscious strategies are recognized and addressed.

Healing From Appeasement and Fawning

Healing requires both nervous system regulation and relational repair:

Awareness and Psychoeducation
Learning about trauma responses helps survivors recognize fawning not as weakness but as an adaptive survival strategy.
Somatic Practices
Approaches like Somatic Experiencing (Levine, 1997) and Polyvagal-informed therapies help regulate the nervous system, allowing individuals to tolerate conflict or boundary-setting without overwhelming fear.
Therapy
Trauma-informed therapies such as EMDR, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and attachment-focused therapy can help survivors reprocess traumatic memories and strengthen their sense of self.
Boundary Work
Practicing saying “no,” expressing needs, and tolerating discomfort in safe relationships are essential steps toward reclaiming agency.
Self-Compassion
Survivors must learn to honor the wisdom of their fawning response while also recognizing they no longer need it to survive.

Closing Thoughts

Appeasement and fawning are not signs of weakness — they are signs of resilience and survival. These responses often begin in childhood as creative strategies to stay safe in unsafe environments. With support, survivors can rewire their nervous systems, reclaim their voices, and move toward relationships rooted in authenticity, safety, and mutual respect.

References

Levine, P. (1997). Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma. North Atlantic Books.
Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton.
Schore, A. N. (2001). The effects of early relational trauma on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1-2), 201-269.
Schore, A. N. (2019). Right brain psychotherapy. Norton Series on Interpersonal Neurobiology. W. W. Norton.
Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote.